madelleine peabody's telephone time

"the time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things"...

daily thoughts: day 2
i experience feelings of loneliness often, but i rarely talk about it. no one wants to hear about how lonely you are, especially when the internet is an endless pool of rants, whines, and complaints. my friend group is scattered because of a broken link in the chain, and we don't get together nearly as much as we used to. it's even difficult to get people one-on-one. maybe because there is so much discomfort around what has remained unsaid. maybe i'm the one they are distancing themselves from. maybe it's all in my head.

i sometimes wonder if i'm not dating aggressively enough. i sit and swipe, read the messages, then put it away for a couple days before doing it all over again while i wait for my car to get serviced. i think most people are over swipe dating. disillusioned by the wishy washy, noncommittal tendencies of city folk. but it's the easiest way to meet people these days. i long for a relationship to develop the old fashioned way. maybe i'll meet someone at the sushi bar while we both treat ourselves to a solo sushi dinner, and his favorite sake only comes in a large bottle so he offers to share. maybe i'll meet someone at a new job, and he'll be so amazing i'll bend my strict no-dating-at-work policy. maybe i'll find his livejournal on obscure_sixties and we'll start commenting on each others posts until we fall in love. i rarely like the men that flirt with me while i'm out, and i wonder sometimes if i'm the problem. i'm polite; i carry a lovely conversation; i may even flirt back and agree to give him my number, but it hardly goes further than that. i'll soon stop responding to his texts.

i thought about colin today. i thought about how i cried the most with him than in any other relationship i've been in, and we didn't even make it to a full year. i thought about how shitty he made me feel even when things were "good." the "good" days always depended on his disorder, but i can't discredit him for trying. i thought about how i could never feel comfortable, but that i could never blame him, and how the conflict of those feelings always ate me up inside.

i'm tired of feeling shitty in relationships and staying because i feel like i need to fulfill some purpose in the other person's life. i'm tired of compromising myself and losing who i am while i'm in them. maybe that's why i have been single for so long. maybe i'm afraid of being in another shitty relationship.

penny caught and ate a moth tonight. i'm so proud of my little hunter. she turns 8 next month.


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