madelleine peabody's telephone time

"the time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things"...

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
"stop being a little asian girl"
this is what he said to me after i expressed how lonely my dual life has made me.

my parents are asian (surprise!). so naturally, they hold high standards for their children to live by. and we, as children of immigrants, are eternally indebted to them for all the hard work and sacrifice they've endured while building a life in a foreign country. it was all for us. of course. the weight of asian parent disappointment is real, folks.

i've always hidden a part of me from my parents (by "parents," i mean my mother, mostly). in fact, i fabricated a whole other daughter for them to be proud of. to them, i'm the saintly, virginal, church-going christian girl they've always wanted me to be. to everyone else, i'm a cursing, drinking, entertainment industry whatever who shares a bed with her boyfriend every night. the only time i was my truest self to my mom was when i was a lip-pierced 20-year-old who rebelled against everything she ever imposed on me. and we fought. daily.

when i got tired of fighting, i created "the saint."

now, "the saint" was a very real person at one point. there was a time when i was so down and out emotionally, finacially, and professionally that i sought comfort and counsel from our Lord God and the church. i gave up everything to Christ, and during that time of surrender, He blessed my life exponentially. i spoke to my mom a lot during that time. we talked about how hard life was but that God was really working in it. that's when God bridged our relationship. it was really beautiful. my belief in God is still a part of me, but my relationship with Him isn't as close as it once was. as i drifted from God, i never had it in me to reveal who i was to my mother. i didn't want the fighting to start again. so every time she asked me if i went to church that week, i said "yes," and every time she asked me if i prayed that day, i said, "yes," and every time she asked me if i did my devotional that day, i said "yes," and every time she asked me if i was still pure, i said "yes."

my parents have never met any of my heathen boyfriends. and if i'm truly honest with myself, the idea that my parents would never accept them held me back from picturing a future with any of them. which is what led me to the loneliness i felt before my friend verbally slapped me in the face with that jolting phrase. i need to be honest with my parents for me to be true to myself.

stop being a little asian girl


Log in