madelleine peabody's telephone time

"the time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things"...

daily thoughts: day 2
loneliness. i experience the feeling often, but i rarely talk about least to people's faces. no one wants to hear about how lonely you are, especially when they want to tell you what kind of fruit their 18 month old loves to eat. my friend group is scattered because of a broken link in the chain, and we don't get together nearly as much as we used to. it's even difficult to get people one-on-one. maybe because there is so much discomfort around what has remained unsaid. maybe i'm the one they want to distance themselves from. maybe it's all in my head.

i sometimes wonder if i'm not dating aggressively enough. i sit and swipe, read the messages, then put it away for a couple days before doing it again while i wait for my car to get serviced. i'm over swipe dating; what i wish for is a relationship to develop organically, the old fashioned way. maybe i'll meet someone at the sushi bar while we both treat ourselves to a solo sushi dinner. maybe his favorite sake only comes in a large bottle and he offers to share. hell, i'm at a point where i would even bend my strict no-dating-at-work policy if i found someone i really like. i rarely like the men that hit on me while i'm out, and i wonder sometimes if it's my problem. i'm polite; i carry a lovely conversation; i may even flirt back and agree to give him my number, but it hardly goes further than that. i'll soon stop responding to his texts.

i thought about colin today. i thought about how i cried the most with him than any other relationship i've been in, and we didn't even make it to a full year. i thought about how shitty he made me feel even when things were "good." the "good" always depended on his disorder, but i can't discredit him for trying. i thought about how i could never feel comfortable, but that i could never blame him, and how the conflict of those feelings always ate me up inside.

i'm tired of feeling shitty in relationships. i'm tired of feeling weak or helpless or like i need to be a martyr or savior. maybe that's why i have been single for so long. maybe i'm afraid of being in another shitty relationship.

penny caught and ate a moth tonight. i'm so proud of my little hunter. she turns 8 next month.


Log in