birds

madelleine peabody's telephone time

"the time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things"...

hidden home
birds
miss_peabody


because of very strange occurrences,
i'm locking up most of my entries.
you'll probably only see videos or maybe even pictures publicly.

I hated when he called me 'bae"
birds
miss_peabody
...but today I really miss it.

"stop being a little asian girl"
birds
miss_peabody
this is what he said to me after i expressed how lonely my dual life has made me.

my parents are asian (surprise!). so naturally, they hold high standards for their children to live by. and we, as children of immigrants, are eternally indebted to them for all the hard work and sacrifice they've endured while building a life in a foreign country. it was all for us. of course. the weight of asian parent disappointment is real, folks.

i've always hidden a part of me from my parents (by "parents," i mean my mother, mostly). in fact, i fabricated a whole other daughter for them to be proud of. to them, i'm the saintly, virginal, church-going christian girl they've always wanted me to be. to everyone else, i'm a cursing, drinking, entertainment industry whatever who shares a bed with her boyfriend every night. the only time i was my truest self to my mom was when i was a lip-pierced 20-year-old who rebelled against everything she ever imposed on me. and we fought. daily.

when i got tired of fighting, i created "the saint."

now, "the saint" was a very real person at one point. there was a time when i was so down and out emotionally, finacially, and professionally that i sought comfort and counsel from our Lord God and the church. i gave up everything to Christ, and during that time of surrender, He blessed my life exponentially. i spoke to my mom a lot during that time. we talked about how hard life was but that God was really working in it. that's when God bridged our relationship. it was really beautiful. my belief in God is still a part of me, but my relationship with Him isn't as close as it once was. as i drifted from God, i never had it in me to reveal who i was to my mother. i didn't want the fighting to start again. so every time she asked me if i went to church that week, i said "yes," and every time she asked me if i prayed that day, i said, "yes," and every time she asked me if i did my devotional that day, i said "yes," and every time she asked me if i was still pure, i said "yes."

my parents have never met any of my heathen boyfriends. and if i'm truly honest with myself, the idea that my parents would never accept them held me back from picturing a future with any of them. which is what led me to the loneliness i felt before my friend verbally slapped me in the face with that jolting phrase. i need to be honest with my parents for me to be true to myself.

stop being a little asian girl

whatch'all up to?!
birds
miss_peabody
hey old lj friends! if any of you see this, add me on friggin' facebook. i want to know what's going on with you. seriously.

so this is the new year
birds
miss_peabody

i don't make resolutions every year. i only make them when i'm ready to sit life down and have a serious talk.

- eat better: no chips, all brown grains, dark green veggies, fruit, no mcnuggets -- i have this as a reminder on my phone that has been going off every morning at 9am since march 12, 2012 (sans the mcnugget part. that's new). i stopped paying attention to it months ago, but since i started working on a show equipped with craft services and never-ending snacks, i've deafened all voices of reason with the sounds of munching.

- try one new thing every day -- from taking one different street on my route to work to going surfing in tahiti, big or small, as long as it's new to me, i'm going to do commit to breaking from routine and getting out of my comfort zone.

- go to church every week -- unfortunately, i've let myself slip away again. so this is back on the list.

- explore the outdoors at least once a month -- i'm starting with a hike to escondido falls in malibu tomorrow morning. won't you join me?

- write a blog post at least once a week -- i used to be better at articulating my thoughts when i web logged on the daily back when lj was hip (and long after it wasn't). i thought i'd never get tired of writing...until i did...which is sad.

- visit a different continent -- this is happening. i'm thinking new zealand ($$$), hong kong ($$) or costa rica ($).

- stop making excuses -- srsly, crystal.

- get over it -- come on.


attention deficit laziness
birds
miss_peabody
i wish my brain weren't all over the place. i get so overwhelmed by the things i should/want to be doing that i find it easier to do nothing at all. it's a silly excuse for laziness, but look at me: i'm writing in my livejournal when i'm in the middle of constructing a post on wordpress.

edit: that wasn't a good example. it shows i should probably be more productive since i've written two entries instead of one. ugh.

that's my rumi!
birds
miss_peabody

me: can you make sure i make better decisions for myself?

yumi: only when it comes to boys.

cuz i fully support ur mcdonalds decisions.

Tags:

LJ, we have to talk...
birds
miss_peabody
i'm cheating on you.

switcheroony?
birds
miss_peabody
is anyone on wordpress?

the summer of hiatus, pt.2
birds
miss_peabody


june continued...and thensomeCollapse )

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